The Ghosts in My memory

The Ghosts in My Memory

There are ghosts in my computer.

They slither in and out of memory

Floating through the ether

Before making their home inside of me.

I never thought I’d be this old

But my Medicare card came red, white and blue.

Yesterday feels like once upon a time

And tomorrow looks too predictable to be true.

There’s an old man living down the road.

I pass his house almost everyday.

He sits on his porch reading the paper,

Leathered face, stooped over, aged and gray.

Sometimes I see him shuffling slowly

Past his old rusting VW that sits aging in the yard

And I think that’s probably me in a few years,

Alone and feeling those aches and pains that tell me life is hard.

My Facebook friends connected me to a group

That spends its time reminiscing about high school days

And now all those ghosts are rummaging through my memory

Bringing back images long covered over by time’s foggy haze.

The idea that youth is wasted on the young

Is something young people can’t really understand.

When you’re a kid you think you have all the time in the world

And that you have the world safely in your hand.

But taking things for granted is easy

When the future looks long and bright,

When time is still safely on your side

When you’re so sure there’s no gray between the black and white.

I was just a dazed and confused skinny kid

Climbing the steps on my first high school day

Looking across that emerald green lawn,

An instant frozen, more than half a century away.

I remember thinking how long four years seemed,

And how long it would take to find my way

How in that instant, it seemed like forever,

But those years flew by in what now seems like just another day.

And now I’m sitting here decades later

Trying to understand why time flows like it does,

Why the here and now goes by so slowly

And how suddenly what is can become what was.

I’m just looking out on a near July gray morning

But I’m remembering a dark rainy December day

A day after I learned how quickly the seeds we sow

Can develop into the prices that we have to pay.

Now that ghost isn’t in my computer.

That one is buried somewhere deep inside of me

Trapped in between all the cracks and crevices,

Left fossilized in my deepest memory.

I can see still see those baby blue eyes and that smile

But time has taken all the details away

Leaving me not remembering what she really looked like

But I’ve never forgotten how awful I felt when she went away.

I had no idea how I was going to get through.

I thought everything I was had come to an end.

I felt like there was just no hope anywhere,

That I’d come to that place where the willow don’t bend.

And for more time than I want to think about

I just struggled to get through the day to day

Wondering why I was even trying

Facing down dark demon dreams of finally just going away.

But still in its own inexorable way

Time carved a gorge through that flat dreary plain

And that slow running river washed away most of the relics

Leaving a few ruins standing as remnants of that cold December rain.

Those years seemed to last forever too

But just like high school they finally came to an end.

I learned slowly how to remake my life

And that what looked like the end of the road was really just a bend.

But now there’s a difference in the future.

There’s nothing out there to look forward to.

That hourglass is moving toward empty

And I can see what’s coming, harsh and true.

I can look back so easily at all the decades

So swiftly come and so swiftly gone

But I can count the decades, God willing, remaining

And I know I’m a lot closer than I want to be to the end of the song.

Time is short and getting shorter.

I know that’s true for one and all

But it feels different when you see it clear

Like rafting through the rapids heading for a waterfall.

Now I don’t want anyone thinking I’m complaining

About my life’s journey with its faults and flaws.

While there are so many things I regret

I understand that’s the cost of living outside of those laws.

I’ve won and lost both money and love.

I’ve rode the waves of life’s swirling sea

And in the end it always comes back

To trying to understand what it really means to be me.

And in the end it really doesn’t matter.

Everyday we’re all a little closer to edge

We all make the same long twisting journey

And we all end up on the very same ledge.

We all look out into that infinite ageless abyss

And try and find something to calm our fear.

Some believe that God’s kind hand awaits

And that an endless heaven is just beyond here.

Some think it’s kind of like sleeping

But without all those rambling demon dreams

But all of us know how hard it is to face

A coming future without us in any of those scenes.

Maybe in the end we pay for our failures.

Maybe in the end we still grapple with our ghosts.

Maybe in the end it all just fades to black

Finally losing all that pain that wounded us the most.

Still it’s not the end that bothers me.

That’s just a bridge we have to cross and burn.

It’s what’s waiting on that aging old road,

That rutted path with its sudden hairpin turns.

I’ve been on my own forever

And I’ve learned to be at peace with a solitary life

But it worries me that a time is coming

Full of ancient pains and looming strife.

Those sprained ankles from playing roundball

Have left me hobbling after living to jump and run.

Those twisted fingers and aching knees

Are the only true rewards of all those days playing in the sun.

I’m not afraid of ghosts no matter the kind.

I’m not afraid of the end and the chance of hell’s fire frying.

It’s what it takes to get there that really bothers me.

It’s not death that I fear; it’s the slow process of dying.

In my mind I’m still that shy skinny kid

Burying jumpers on a playground in the past.

I’m still writing rhymes looking for answers

Hoping to stumble onto something that lasts.

So those ghosts can just twist and tumble

Like in a dryer on high speed full spin.

And those love’s lost can still bring regret

But I can’t change anything about where I’ve been.

There are surely still lessons out there

But the ones pain teaches are the ones best learned.

There are still some destinations on this journey for me.

There are still some pages left unturned.

Now what I’ve learned through the years

Is that for a time love conquers all.

I’ve learned that money isn’t the measure of a man

And that standing up for what you believe is what truly makes us tall.

I’ve learned that so much of life is gray

After wishing everything was more black and white.

I’ve found out that everything has a cost

And that it’s a fine line between wrong and right.

I’ve found out the hard way

That money won is sweeter than money earned

And I’ve learned about the joys of love

And the long sorrows left after bridges are burned.

So I’ll just close my eyes and turn out the light,

Put that old haunted computer to sleep,

See if I can find some peace in my dreams

And maybe, just maybe, some promises to keep.

 ©2011 Peter Justus